Can anyone help me drag my heels
I'm running overtime
I can't hold down my meals
My mind is racing by
Staring blankly feels
Like pulling out my teeth
While this tension winds.

click on the circles to navigate:)

name: k.
country:singapore
gender: female

She reads too much(especially slash hpfanfiction and foxtrot), writes instinctive poetry, lives by the law of procrastination,possesses the characteristic traits of a couch potato, occupies her time with swearing at Math's disharmony with her dysfunctional brain and craves dictatorship in the confines of her room where she plots to take over the world and turn all the humans into rabbits.

She doesn't like The Angst. The Angst is what happens when teenagers write bad poetry and listen to Hawthorne Heights and think they're deep. She used to like The Angst. She is older and wiser now.

And lastly, she supports gay rights, circumstancial choice-making and speaking in 3rd person tonalities.

FAIS UN VOEUX

WISHLIST

sponsored supply of frappucinos
death by overeating of chocolate
archery license
steve guyger's latest album
france!
camera hood + 50mm macro lens
Canon E0S 40D

8:50 PM

Rightfully, I should have moved. I mean seriously, even procrastination has limits. And I wouldn't blame the lack of technological access either. Contrarily, I have been staving off Facebook for the past month with the vigor of an addict - which I probably am. I think Facebook should be banned. Not because its remotely uninteresting but its too hazardous to one's life. It consumes so much of your time and attention, you start living on it.

I am in a pretty nonchalant mood right now. I know I feel depressed but I can''t come to terms with it. I hardly felt the presence of this year. It was quick, silent and brutal.

I don't know why I blogged. It feels rather stupid now...

11:53 PM

I am moving to LiveJournal – finally. Yes, I was deliberating hauling myself over about five months away but well you know…things get in the way (namely a particular characteristic trait called procrastination) and I wasn’t really very willing to part with a blog I have made my emotional cesspit for the past two years.

Link will be up soon, but the final post is dedicated to Kiwi as promised.

*

You probably forgot that yes, I do owe you a post. I can’t remember when we actually made the deal but I am guessing it was during C’Division when we were alternating between eating ourselves out of our wallets and cheering ourselves hoarse for our juniors. Besides, being dominantly slow when it comes to performing normally mundane tasks, I was in truth waiting for a photograph of yours which could go with the post. So nearly two months later (minus a photo) -

I still remember you from Secondary One. We weren’t lunch-buddy close but we had all those quaint nicknames for everyone on the team and a batch camaraderie I still consider unrivalled. Yours was Kiwi-Shake (I conveniently forgot mine of course) and it morphed into an awkward cheer of sorts,

“Kiwi Shake Kiwi Shake Kiwi Shaky Shaky Shake”

It sounds ridiculous right now – something an elementry kid would come up with in her sand pit. But then we found it stitch-inducing amusing. I suppose being in Secondary One gave us reason enough to indulge in the last vestiges of our childhood.

Secondary Two was better. I remembered you as the MEP prodigy – mind you anyone with an ability to tinker with a piano rank very high in my expectations seeing how I still remain musically illiterate. You always had a knowing smile. Death Note was a catalyst to our relationship of sorts. You did try teaching me the art of singling out Japanese people from locals – which I haven’t mastered yet. (AND NO L IS STILL BETTER LOOKING THAN LIGHT)

Secondary Three has been a whirlwind. Probe me, and I am unable to toss out any quotes from our conversations. There were far too many. The wayward accents we mimicked during training sessions, and your illustrious plans for an eating disorder clinic. I still remember a particularly disturbing MSN conversation in which we were squabbling over who was better looking – Mozart or Bach. I am assuming at that time we had temporarily lost our sanity and forgotten that the two men in question weren’t exactly visually pleasing – atleast not in the context of 20^th century. Oh and those times in which we deliberated the sexuality of a certain SSS Bowler. We have been able to dredge up the most unorthodox of topics and turn it into the most elaborate of discussion. It’s a sort of a talent really. Well, yes.

You have been a great friend, person etc. I still turn to your blog when I feel an innate urge to laugh. Oh and to those still un-introduced to the Kiwi, do not fall for the exterior she has perfected. She does look like the poster child for orthodox behavior but she’s so much more (in a good way obviously). If we ever do grow apart, you are welcome to whack me with a particularly blunt object on the head. And if I die, I am bequeathing my Rubik’s cube to you. You’re like my uh Rubik’s predecessor.

I still haven’t been able to take a full frontal picture of yours truly. But mind you, you can only elude my camera once. I would insert a nefarious laugh here but I suppose it is highly inappropriate for a dedication post to consist of any underlying threats -.-

*

As of know, I am battling a compulsive obsession with Facebook and frequent fits of post-exam excitements. Blogging is the last thing on my mind right now, because I realize I tend to blog when I am utterly desperate for an avenue to vent my frustrations or when something monumental occurs. Currently I am relatively happy with myself and the only major event going on in my very banal life is me getting cheap thrills out of computerized Mafia.

Perhaps after netball carnival.

- 50th post.

2:18 PM

5:43 AM

5:03 AM

I am so predictable.

Give me a bloody chance and yes, 99% of the time I will inevitably screw up with it. It has become so characteristic I should probably become the poster child for mismanagement. I discard time, find solace in sleep and very occasionally engage in anything beneficial to myself. Contrary to popular belief, failures do not always equal to success. Most of the time, they accumulate and suffocate you till you give up trying and allow your life to meander on its own accord.

Perhaps 10 years later, when I have a future worthy of breeding in a compost heap, I will regret. I will look back on spent years and naturally the ‘what ifs’ and ‘what coulds’ would follow. The future is a frightening thing. If I am already struggling to juggle nine subjects and a nonexistent social life, I wonder how tumultuous life would become when you shuffle in the other aspects of job, family and god knows what.

Its like there is a storm raging out there for us, and here we are whining over the seemingly innocuous drizzle. Yes, life is not fair. When you came kicking and screaming into this world, looks like the nurse forget to hold up her plaque card, “WELCOME TO PROVERBIAL HELL”. It wasn’t your fault you couldn’t blink out of the white hospital walls into the chaos which navigates the world. If you had, you might have shrunk back into the womb and decried birth.

When we grow up, we are going to struggle through jobs (bitch about your boss conveniently) , bemoan taxes and put your child through the very rat race you tired yourself in. Even if you might not engage in the above, you would still face something predominantly wrecking than facile EYAs. Life’s like that. Its been structured to ensure you throw your hands up in despair atleast once and wish your existence away.

The relevation and cynicism of sorts are a byproduct of pre-EYA deliberation/mugging. All of a sudden I don’t want to grow up anymore. I want to suspend time in its tracks and live in a solitary world. We could sit in circles outside our classroom 24/7 and tell each other ghost stories. Those pretend ghosts would be our only fear, worry. Adulthood might be a tempting haven of freedom. Except even freedom doesn’t come without a price.

Steering back to lightheartedness (relatively) , it seems like Newsweek spoke too soon. Straits Times reported with statistics the increased presence of homophobia all over the world. Singapore it claims has half of its population vehemently against homosexuality. Try as hard as I could, I still cannot manage to comprehend homophobia. Perhaps someone could volunteer to explain this to me so I am enlightened on why exactly homosexuality is the epitome of sin.

You do not choose to be homosexual. It would be dandy if you could wake up one day and decide you wish to experiment with foreplay. Unfortunately emotions and hormones aren’t in our hands to twist and manipulate. Its their way of life. Why can’t you let them live it? I am sure you would enjoy it tremendously if someone were to poke their head through your door and launch themelves into a declaration on how immoral your relationship is merely because it is not in tangent with the rest of the majority. God forbid.

I don’t think Singapore making gay sex illegal is helping either. By actually propagating it as a crime, the government is only convincing people that homosexuality is indeed unprincipled. Perhaps if the government would opt for a more liberal view on the issue, it would initiate people to loosen up with regards to the matter. Honestly, enough of blowing the same trumpet of how a family is the nucleus for the society. A family does not have to parallel the rigid definition of father, mother and child. A family only needs the essential of a caring environment which can be provided by any two people who give a damn regardless of their sexuality. Last I checked, being homosexual does not come with the hindering gene of indolence.

And I don’t think the worry about hackling people’s nerves should plague the government either. Its not like they have not done it before, what with the sensitive issues of minister pay rise and IR. People’s opinions have hardly taken precedence over the will of the government and I don’t see why it should be an exception in this case. I hardly think legalizing homosexuality would spiral Singapore into chaos and throw the ruling party out of power before you can say, ‘Gay’

I should refrain from being so bitter, really. As well as stop writing obscenely long posts. As of now, I need to badly put my blog on hiatus so that I can scrape through my EYA’s without too much of a bruise on my GPA. Its already whimpering as I speak.

12:30 PM

Its about time the world dismissed the overzealous caution it had against homosexuals. Yes, they practice an alternate lifestyle. Get over it. Alternative or not, it’s a lifestyle nevertheless and one we shouldn’t discriminate because it doesn’t parallel what’s defined as normality by the society. People fear what is different. Its an inbuilt instinct within ourselves to shy away from what we are not accustomed to. The unknown always poses questions which the answers remain shrouded in inexperience. Y

et at the end of the day homosexuality’s a form of living, perhaps different, perhaps practiced sparingly, but a person’s way of life. The choice lays in his hands and to chide his choice would be to demean ours and to leave it open for criticism. If we can sneer at homosexuals merely on the basis that they remain the minority, they have every right to shoot down our way of life. After all it is different from theirs. This is not a calling to homophobes to alter their mindsets and embrace all gays with hospice. It’s a note that at the end of the day we are all people who make different decisions. To each his own, and as fellow members of the society - as long as said decision does not threaten to wreak harm or chaos on the society - we should be able to respect each other’s decision.

At a time when homophobia is being reduced to a crass stereotype, it only seems apt to present to you a year old play written at the height of a rabid Harry/Draco slash obsession by myself and the ever witty Pavithra. Mind you, it is the brian child of our reveries, mildly blunt wit and several informal brainstorming sessions along corridors.

CAUTION: SLASH, SMUT AHEAD

Characters:
Berry as Harry
Flako as Draco
Yawn as Ron
Ho Hung as Cho Chang
Voldemort as Cold-the-dot

FLAKO: Er, right, so, you um, okay?
BERRY: HO...HO...
FLAKO: Um, hey...(watches berry cry for a while) stop crying already
BERRY: Go bother someone else.
FLAKO: Right, hey, was that an insult?
BERRY: Just leave, will you? Its not as though anyone cares about me that I need you to as well. (buries his head into his arms)
FLAKO: You mean you just realised? OK, hey, look, I'm....I'm sorry. Look, (pats Berry's shoulder)you know I didn't mean that.
(BERRY SNIFFLES)

FLAKO: Come on, something's messed up in Berry Gutter's perfect life?
BERRY: What do you mean by perfect? WHAT DO YOu know about my LIFE?How would you feel if your girlfriend cheated on you with your best friend and you've got this pyscho path running after you with his broken wand? Leave me alone will you? I need to feel depressed and cry for myself. That way I can throw myself a large pity party.
FLAKO: Let me get this, Ho cheated on you with Yawn. Kidding? I thought you two were the buddies of the millenium.
BERRY: You thought wrong then....again. (sourly)

FLAKO: (scoffs) I used to feel....jealous of you two, you know.
BERRY: (turns surprised) Really?
FLAKO: yeah, I guess....I mean I used to think, ...how it would be....if I had a friend like you....or Yawn.
BERRY: Well, you have Crab and Boil.
FLAKO: Those thugs? You wouldn't really call them friends. Not like.... you and Yawn were anyway.
BERRY: Were indeed. That loser. I FIGHT COLD THE DOT EVERY WEEK WHO YOU ARE ALL SO SCARED OF,SO WHY CAN'T I GET THE GIRLFRIEND OPTIONS I WANT. I AM SO ANGRY. AND PISSED. AND ANGSTY. AFTER ALL I AM SO (dramatic pause) EMO.
FLAKO: right,....*rolls his eyes* Act your age will you? And not your shoe size.

BERRY: CALM DOWN. YOU WANT ME TO CALM DOWN AS I SPILL MY PASSION AMD EMOTIONS AND BARE MY ANGST RIDDEN SOUl.
FLAKO: So, I am sure there are other fish out in the sea....I mean, you are THE BARRY GUTTER.(sarcastically) (rolls his eyes)
BERRY: WILL YOU GO AWAY.MY WEEKLY DUEL WITH COLD THE DOT IS SCHEDULED FOR ELEVEN O CLOCK TONIGHT AND I'D BETTER NOT MISS IT. YOU KNOW COLD THE DOT. HE WOULD MURDER ME IN MY SLEEP. HE'S EVEN ANGSTIER THAN I AM.
FLAKO: You aren't angsty. just hurt...(shrugs) healing. Sometimes, I think you are so much stronger than me. (grins arrogantly) I mean I do have a brain bigger than your air-headed one, and I DO actually know how to duel, but....I guess sometimes I just...admire you....from far. Sometimes.....I just wish....I can be strong....(looks away) like you.
BERRY: Well, ...I thought you hated me.
FLAKO: I wouldn't say hate? Jealous, maybe. You know...(smiles softly to himself) they say there's only a thin line between hate and ....



2:44 AM

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jananii kiwi

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THE UGLY TRUTH

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